‘Well speak to you soon London Lady.’
‘London Lady’ is that what I was now? I have been living in London for 3 months. I have to say it has taken some getting used to but I’ve managed to gain some very significant, inside knowledge on how to survive. It is a world away from the small town in which I came, where I would ride horses and walk bare-feet to the local post office (4 miles away). ‘Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world.’ Sorry. Distracted. So London: the never-ending late nights, the crowded underground, the somewhat unfriendly yet intimidating faces and the constant flow of traffic.
Traffic in London I reveal to you is not just cars. Traffic in London is cars, buses, trams, tubes, trans, aeroplanes, helicopters, boats, people, umbrellas, hats, shoes, doors, steps, balconies, escalators…I could go on. In my opinion it is the people who cause the most amount of congestion. In London, people swarm the streets like herds of antelopes. It is a mystery to where they gather but before you know it you are overrun. These antelopes, they are continually galloping, hurtling, trotting and multiplying in every direction. As a London Lady, there is only one thing to do: you must transform into a lion. You must transfigure into Simba and run for your life from the herd like in the Lion King. It is survival of the fittest, test of strongest and trail of the wise in London! Everyday is a battle ground. In London the lion is the not the predator, it is the other way around. If your mindset is that of a Lion then you are roaring/raring to go! You’ve got to sprint through the overcrowd, dodge the obstructions, jump over blockages, dart, dash, bolt, dive, lung, leap, spring through the antelopes!
Another revelation I must disclose to you is that the second cause for gridlock in London is umbrellas. As we all know, in London it rains a lot. As a ‘London Lady’ I know this only too well. There is nothing worse than spending 45 minutes GHD straightening your hair (as your boss told you looked scruffy and to ‘brush your hair’ the day before) and then stepping out into the wild and not only having to face the antelopes but also preparing yourself to battle the elements.
With GHD straightened hair this is a matter of life or death. Most Londoners and often London Ladies take their weapon of choice- the umbrella. I tell you, this is a great mistake. The antelopes choose umbrellas too. The umbrellas blow inside out the wind; umbrellas poke you in the eye. Umbrellas scratch you in the face. Umbrellas can’t be shared without someone getting wet. Umbrellas cause more grief than the rain itself. Have you ever had it when you’re faced with someone else walking in your direction with an umbrella? Questions run through your mind: Do you throw the umbrella up? Do you risk getting wet and putting the umbrella down? Do you stand strong and hope the other umbrella’er’ will make a brave choice? Truth is there is no way out of this without some kind of despair. Other weapons of choice: a hood, a scarf or take a sick day.
So my wise words London Ladies and Lions: I warn you, beware of the antelopes, beware of the umbrellas and good luck!